Daniella Fishburne | Madame MadFish

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Consumed by Sadness {12/52}

I hope no one takes offense to this image, but this is how I was feeling yesterday. I was so consumed by sadness that I couldn't see past the dark cloud that was hovering overhead. I had this image come to mind, but I pushed it out of my mind because I didn't think I should create it. Then I received a call from a friend today who was in a deep depression and didn't know how to get out of it. I did the best I could to give her advice and I hope I helped, but I'm not sure if I did. I understand completely what it's like because I've struggled with depression all my life. I'm going to tell you something about myself that I do not normally share. Only a handful of people know these things about me, but I feel like it's important to talk about it in order to heal. One thing I must say first, is that this project has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I have always bottled up my feelings and have a very hard time talking about the things that have happened to me....often left unable to speak as I choke back the tears. Through my photography, I am able to express my feelings in a way that I would not otherwise be able to do so.

Now I'm going to take a deep breathe.... and share something I never thought I would be brave enough to share.

I'll spare you the details because honestly, I don't think I can go that far into it, so I'll just give you a basic run down. I was molested when I was a child by the preacher from our church, which is why I refuse to go to church. Then when I was 16, I was sexually assaulted by two guys who I thought were my friends. I trusted them, but they drugged me and took advantage of me. By the time I was 18 I didn't want to live anymore, so I tried to take my life by taking a bunch of sleeping pills, which landed me in the hospital. I had already been through so much, at such a young age, and the thought of what the future might hold didn't leave me feeling very optimistic. So by the time I was 18, I'm sure you can understand why I didn't think life was worth living. I'm grateful though, that my attempt failed because I would have missed out on so many wonderful things that were to come in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than I ever thought it was possible to be loved. An amazing mother who is so strong...so much stronger than I am. She is my rock and supports me in everything I do. And when I fail, she's there to pick me up, and encourages me to keep going. I have so many wonderful friends who are like family and have been there for me during some very difficult times. And last, but not least, two wonderful little boys who I love as if they were my own. I can't have my own children, but I'm so honored to be their stepmother and watch them grow up to be men.

So why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that whatever you are going through...whatever struggles you face....I want you to know that you are not alone. I know it's hard to see the light when you are consumed by darkness, but please know that the light is there....and it's waiting for you. Your past does not define you....it only makes you stronger. Just remember....you are not alone.

Dani Fish2 Comments